Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Dealing chaos

  We all know what chaos is, no need to explain that.And we often fear chaos, because it causes us pain and discomfort. Currently I am also dealing with a lot of chaos in my life.Earlier my attitude was to take charge and face the chaos or be comfortable in that mess. But actually, I realised today that it is this effort, to be comfortable in negativity, that actually makes it a more painful experience.
    I do agree that it is very hard to realise this. But as my awareness of life is growing, I have started feeling a subtle feeling of peace, though very minuscule, in every negative situation.The negativity is there in enormous proportion  and I am being tormented by thoughts of fear, hatred, self-image, worthlessness, uncertainty etc. I am also feeling weak as my ego is dying away. But still I accept every situation, and be relaxed as much as possible. Earlier I used to fake an attitude of positivism even in negative situation.It gave me temporary comfort, but soon I realized that once I put my guard down, I was again weak and vulnerable.This came as a shock knowing that you have almost tried for 3 years to be positive, but underneath that fa├žade you are still a carcass.
   And I do understand that its a journey, and I have to give lots of time, maybe a year for things to change.But its also a relief to know that there are millions like me who are going through this transition or change, although its always a lonely journey.

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